The Duet of Lifeless Anger

This is a compilation I created in 2024 of multiple poems and proses that I wrote in 2022-2023

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I am angry.

Angered by my father sexualizing me for his own gaze.

I am angry.

Angered by my mother punishing me for her narcissistic jealousy and rage.

I am angry.

Angered by the boys and men who violated me in my childhood home and community.

Angered by the silencing of family secrets.

I am angry that my childhood existed, that the system failed me.

The system is still failing.

I am angry at myself for falling in love with people who hurt me.

Angered by the familiarity of abuse and chaos.

I am angry no one protected me as a child.

I am angry, I am scared, I am lifeless.

I have seen evil be hatched, I've felt its fire.

I lost myself, engulfed by the flames of evil.

I rose from the ashes at 15yo. A Phoenix.

My cauldron is alchemizing,

My survival relied on kindness and empathy.

Mysticism led me back to myself - gently nudging, "who am I"?

He told me I was imaginary at 4yo ... "am I not real"?

The butterfly's evolution in survival: breaking out of her chrysalis.

Brutal beauty.

The closing of a burn pile and the start to a new years -

I'll find you in another lifetime.

Living inside Sue's body as a fetus ....

Traumatic and neglectful to my everything:

My survival,

My heartbeat,

My development,

My journey into this human experience.

At least in hell, Hades is predictable.

True to grit, real.

Doesn't hide behind locked doors, family secrets.

I chose to marry Hades and live in his hell rather than stay captive with my mother, in her flowers.

I am Persephone.

Queen of the Underworld.

It's time to mend my hearth,

A reminder of this year's intentions: courage, unknown, alchemy.

Collective suffering alchemizes around and within us.

In the same inhale as your exhale...

Alchemical Breath

When my sufferings become too loud,

too violent,

too cruel,

too painful,

too debilitating,

too ....

too much to bare...

I "bless and release" my connection to the collective.

Blessing the collective in our healing journeys.

Inward I turn, to reflect, for stillness.

The need for clarity and control released.

Honoring the past that grew my roots;

My strength lost to withstand the elements of earth and the entitlement of humanity.

My father and mother sold me as a child to a program that promised perfection, compliance, and obedience.

I was bred to be abused.

Less than a year after being released from this captivity, my 19yo body was sold to a violent and scary stranger in New York City.

When I escaped yet another captor, my life was threatened by the evil woman who sold me to him in North Carolina.

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become" (-Carl Jung)

I plant intentions,

I nourish space for growth,

I inspire to bud and blossom,

I'm meeting my garden's needs.

It's time to flourish, onward.

Welcoming the rain and observing the wind.

Rooting into mother earth with strength and power.

Mothering the parts of me that needed caring and safety the most:

I am not fucked up. I am whole. I am strong. I am powerful.

Embracing the parts of me that were beaten and abused, it's safe to come out and play.

DANCE: you have the sovereign right to be here. Take up space, create positive impact.

Release, let go. The past no longer serves me.

Following my intuition, I am trustworthy. I am strong. I am brave. I am protected. I am not alone, I was never alone - my spirit guides surround me.

I am alive, I am real. I am a creator, a fighter, and a peacekeeper. I have multiplicity.

Angels sing to me, fairies dance with me, and magic lives within me.

Unraveling the similarities of entitlement and sovereignty,

And foraging to find their differences.

To evolve my coping mechanisms,

To nourish my bloom's photosynthesis in the spring.

To recognize and appreciate every season:

Tonight's winter solstice;

Spring's budding blossoms;

Summer's comforting warmth; and

Fall's vibrancy and harvest.

Seasons change, humans remain stewards of this land.

Stop fighting winter hibernation dear one, be still. It's time to turn inward

.... I AM ....

FLOOD.

It's a flood.

A flood of memories, a rush of tears, the trembling and blurred lines of time.

How did I get here?

Present or past.

Blurs,

it all blurs in the flood.

The flood is unexpected, the dam tries to contain the water;

But the flooding is uncontrollable.

It's drowning, all consuming

Do I float or sink?

Do I even have a choice?

Either way, I'll end up floating to the surface one day -

dead or alive.

I just want to know what it feels like to understand and to be understood.

I wish the pain of my parents would release from my being, my foundation, the vessel of my body.

The core of my soul is pure, it is the knowing I came to this world with.

From stardust, my sacred light.

Every person has an ember, before the soot of the world and the tar from trauma and pain cover our sacred flame.